How To Sneeze Publicly In A Pandemic

Lets face it, sneezing or coughing in public these days is publicly unacceptable. Alergies could lead to a really boring 14 day mandatory lockdown, and weird stares from the neighbors. Nobody wants that. Here is our list of publicly acceptable suggestions to stay safe with regular body functions, while in the middle of a pandemic.

Start laughing hysterically

Set everyone’s mind at ease about the cough sneeze by laughing hysterically, like a crazy person. Was that a sneeze? Not quite sure, but everyone is way too afraid to ask. Definitely not messing with that guy.

Fart 

What a relief that its not coronavirus in the air, but just really stinky farts. People will breathe a deep sigh of relief and maybe even start cheering. Having a mask on makes a lot more sense when someone is farting in the area. 

Fake a heart attack instead

People will forget all about the coronavirus when they think someone is having a heart attack, but because of coronavirus, they wont want to get close enough to do anything. Perfect way to get to the front of a long line, and have people forget that someone was just sneezing. 

Make that squeaking noise with your shoes

Acting like its time to play basketball will make sure everyone forgets about the horrors of allergy season. People love playing basketball and they will likely just be confused about where to find a ball in the waiting room everyone is stuck in. Doing a super cool crossover motion with this ghost ball will earn bonus points, and might get everyone cheering. 

Run Away

No shame in making a scene. If all else fails, embrace the worst aspect of having sneezed and just run away like a coward. People will respect that because nobody wants to be sneezed on, and running away is the quickest method of having that person not sneeze on you. Does everyone a favor. 

In this age where its somewhat shameful and scary to be sick, these are just some of the ways to cover up regular body functions. Please let us know how these methods are working because we actually have bad allergies and are afraid of public places. 

How not to be a germ bag

The pandemic has changed the way people look at each other, primarily looking at how gross other people are. Anyone who comes walking into the room could have the virus, and the way they are breathing is all of a sudden not that chill. How does one avoid becoming a germ bag like this? Here are a couple of suggestions. 

  1. Mask that doesn’t cover the nose

The people that keep their nose out of the masks, are the same people with terrible breath. They cant stick around under there to smell it out. Might as well go up to these people, offer them a mint, and then slap them. 

2) Guy who’s just touching everything

Everyone knows its hard to find the right avocado, but is it really necessary to touch all the boxes of cereal? Did they really need to do that to the cheese? Its disgusting what people think they can get away with. Stop touching my cheese!

3) Having Filthy hands

Its not just mouth’s that can spread the virus, but people’s filthy little hands. People that don’t know the word hand sanitizer really need to learn the word hand sanitizer. Keep a flask of vodka in the pocket; a little bit to keep the virus off the hands, and a little to clean the inside of our bodies. 

4) Shirt over the face guy

Forgetting a mask is so common these days, that stores just have a ton of masks for other people to use. Its actually the greatest thing ever. The shirt going over the face really just pushes armpit smell out of the bottom, which might be a smell worse than getting the coronavirus.

5) Guy who loses his mind in the store about not wearing a mask

Yikes. People that come running in screaming about their right to not wear a mask don’t seem to understand what a pandemic is, or that they don’t have to wear a mask for the rest of their lives. Just put that little piece of cloth over the face, and we can finally open the world up again. Put on a bandana and act like a cowboy, make it fun. 

Life has gotten crazy, but it should still be fun. Something nice about the current world is that its literally going to be a huge chapter in the history books. Take these little tid bit’s of advice out into the world and lets make life less stressful again. 

Weird Feasts and Festivals of The World

Think Thanksgiving with your family is weird? Well it isn’t weird until your uncle starts jumping over babies in the name of Jesus Christ. People are doing all sorts of crazy things gathered together across the world. Here are some fine thanksgiving dinner conversation distractions to stop every in-law asking where is the fiance? Crack open a can of cranberry sauce and lets feast on the weirdness. 

Cheese Rolling

Ever see a piece of cheese rolling down a hill and think, damn I’d like to race that? Same here. People in Gloucester England race each other down a 200 meter hill, usually flipping and falling all over themselves, racing for that tasty piece of cheese. Get the family together and push that aunt who wont shut up about kids after the cheese. It will make you feel better. 

Wife Carrying

Ever just wanted to throw the old ball and chain over the shoulder and enter into a race with other couples? Well this thanksgiving could be the golden opportunity. With origins that are suspiciously rooted in the act of stealing women, this sport holds the golden prize of your wife’s weight in beer waiting at the end. 

Monkey Buffet Festival

Instead of feasting with the family, wouldn’t it be nice to do something kind fo the monkeys out there? The people of Thailand totally agree. Monkey Buffet festival is a celebration of our little cousins with a gigantic vegetarian feast for monkeys set in the beautiful backdrop of ancient temples. Not gonna lie, we’re kind of jealous. 

Toe Wrestling Championships

Think time with the family couldn’t get any more strange? Enter toe wrestling. The sport is essentially the same as arm wrestling, but involves the locking of toes and twisting of hips to pin an opponent. Imagine having the opportunity of being able to take smelly uncle Robert down a peg or two with a foot pin? 

Air Guitar Championships

Ever wanted to take the embarrassing things done listening to music in the shower onto the big stage of life? Well the people of Finland have already done it. Well, it started in Finland but its now practiced everywhere. People get together and show off how cool they could be on guitar if they actually played. Its epic. 

Bog Snorkeling in Wales

The Brits really do have a keen eye for strange festivals. Bog snorkeling is the celebration of England’s solid aquatic activities. People race from one end of a water filled ditch to the other, using nothing more than a snorkeling mask and flippers. Its definitely not cold at all, and there are totally fish in the water to look at. Relaxation at its finest. 

Underwater Music Festival

The best music venue? Probably the one where dolphins get to listen to music with the humans. Que little mermaid esqu under the sea style dance montage. This festival requires people to don some scuba gear and flippers to hear the full set. Imagine listening to music under a canopy of light refracting through the water and waves? Yes please.

Buso Festival – Hungary

Every year in the spring, these people in Hungary put on super creepy outfits to chase the winter season away. It is also a festival of no rules, so think of this place like fight club but in Hungary, and it lasts a week. Perhaps this would also be a good idea for the inlaws who cant seem to take the hint and get off the couch. 

Yorkshire pudding boat race

If you hadn’t considered the sea worthiness of yorkshire pudding, then this festival will be a real eye opener. The idea was conceived in true genius fashion, while drinking at the local pub. Since adults are too large to typically race in these pudding boats, the race is largely done by children. 

La Tomatina- AKA Tomato War

If the Spanish aren’t running from bulls down the middle of their city, they are battling with tomatoes in the middle of their city. There is a huge excess of tomatoes when all have been harvested, which means there is only one thing left to do; start a massive tomato war. Tourists and locals get together to toss tomatoes at each other, and it looks like something that should be done at Thanksgiving as well.

Pidakala War (Cow shit fight in india)

Tomatoes not heavy metal enough for you? How about hurling cow poop at each other during a day long battle for good health. All one has to do is cruise down to the southern Indian village of Kairuppala, and follow a cow for a few days to get ammo. This festival originated as a marriage dispute between gods, where the weapon of choice was cow dung. Luckily, people did not forget how much fun that was and continue to battle with cow poo today.

Baby Jumping in Spain

Babies can occasionally be possessed by satan, and the best way to cure that is by dressing up as the devil and jumping over them in the middle of the street. Leaping over these babies cleans them of the original sin. Next phase is sprinkling rose petals all over them, and returning them to their parents. No babies have been harmed in the making of this festival.

Now that thanksgiving at your house seems a bit more normal, try and spice things up a bit by discussing the possibility of a massive cow dung fight after dinner. If somebody’s kid starts crying and wont stop? Put them in a boat of yorkshire pudding where they can paddle to save their own lives. We all think thanksgiving can be crazy and weird, but consider for a moment doing one of these festivals as a family tradition.