Ikea France Exposed for Spying

A USB stick containing an explosive compartment to destroy all evidence, ended up not exploding and giving away the details of this espionage to the world. A complicated network of executives was spying on their employees and union workers was exposed, and workers in France are pissed. Sometimes Swedish meatballs go best with a side of corporate espionage.

With such great one liners as, “A model worker has become a radical employee representative overnight.” Its hard not to break out some kale snack chips and dive into the juicy details. This ring of spying can be traced all the way back to 2009, and include the local police force.

he entire operation is being pinned on one man, Jean Francois Paris, the head of their French unit of Risk Management. His paranoia went so deep as hiring a bodyguard disguised as an administrative assistant, in case a worker lost it and started swinging baguettes. He has accused the people who pinned this on him of, “cowardice” and claims the ring was much more widespread than we could possibly believe.

Their targets? Union leaders, employees, and some customers that were trying to return expensive items, which was really annoying.

Their contact? An ex military operative named, Jean Pierre Foures. He boasted, “Leaving no traces” as one of his more attractive business qualities. It must have been difficult for him carrying around explosive USB sticks all day, which probably ruined more than a few pairs of pants.

While this system of spying has been exposed, more corporate spies are doubtlessly out there. Just how deep does this schmorgas board of espionage go with the Swedish home retailer? We will gladly sit eating Swedish meatballs while the drama unfurls.

Global Shipping is Back to Normal Again, Thanks to the Moon

A ship larger and heavier than the empire state building was trapped in a 300 foot wide passage of the Suez Canal. How did it get stuck? People are blaming the wind for moving a boat the size of a skyscraper to plow into the side of the canal. How did it get unstuck? Well… would you believe it was the moon?

Luckily a super moon came in to lift the boat with abnormally large tides. It’s almost unbelievable. A gust of wind blows the boat into a wall, and then the moon comes in clutch to lift it out of the predicament. Its like something out of the Lord of The Rings

The Egyptian government was also pretty deeply involved, heavily dredging and excavating the areas around where the ship had gotten stuck. Videos of the tugboat captains are circulating, where they celebrate the release of the Ever Given from its sandy prison.

The internet was broken for a few days, by pictures of people making jokes about the EverGiven cargo ship being stuck in the Suez Canal. Now that the boat is released, who knows what we will talk about? Maybe Biden will fall up some stairs agin.

Whoops, a Boat is Trapped in the Suez Canal

A massive ship is stuck in the middle of the Suez Canal. The main shipping highway for oil to reach the western world is now blocked up worse than the guy who ate chilli cheese fries at Coachella. How could this all have happened? Well, a sandstorm blew in at exactly the wrong time. Shucks.

Parts of the Suez Canal get as narrow as 300 feet wide, and somehow there was enough wind and sand to ground this 1,300 foot ship into the banks on the side of the canal. An army of tugboats can be seen trying to pull the immense weight of this vessel away from the shoreline, but it seems to be no use. When a 1,300 foot anything gets stuck anywhere, it usually takes more than a tugboat to get it unstuck. Sorry tugboats.

Most of the global trade is now held up and considering the costly journey around the Cape of Good Hope, which is at the end of Africa (and adds a measly $450,000 to a tankers voyage). The cape is notorious for huge storms, and littered with bandito pirate gangs. Tom Hanks made a whole movie about how going through the Suez Canal is better than going around the Cape of Good Hope, and when he speaks we tend to listen to him.

Why does this matter to us peasants who don’t own a tanker? 2 Percent of the world’s oil is currently trying to pass through the Suez Canal, which is likely going to lead gas prices higher. If we don’t want gas prices to soar, we should join officials in praying for an extra high tide. Get your rain dance on.

Biden Fell Up Some Stairs, The Internet freaked Out

Joe Biden is the oldest president of the United States ever, and has nickname “Sleepy Joe”. With Trump out of office, content creation has run out of crazy things to talk about, since there are no tweets coming out at 4 in the morning. So when Joe Biden fell on his way up some of the steps to Air Force 1, the internet decided to go all out. (The funniest part? They blamed his fall on the wind.)

If Biden had moves like this on a skateboard, he would actually be Tony Hawk. Note that he is actually not wearing a helmet, which is something Kamila will have to talk with him about.

This would actually be much more comfortable way to board a plane. Why risk the dangerous winds, when those chairs from 4am infomercials are out there in existence? The suspense built up in Biden’s slow ride to the top would be incredible.

Little known fact: Biden was actually a solid football player, and lead his high school team to an undefeated season (in Delaware). Perhaps if he wasn’t the oldest President of the United States, he could be the oldest football player in the NFL?

I don’t know where Kamila would have found a group of trees in an airport to hide behind, but if she did this pic would be fitting. Since she is younger, she could obviously handle running up the steps. Perhaps she buttered them before the president took his big trip? See you next fall…

Without all the antics of Trump to keep people on the internet busy, any small thing can be blown out into a huge event. A simple stumble up the stairs is possibly the most exciting thing to happen in months. We are excited to see what other petty thing the internet can come up with for the small mistakes Biden will make.

Most Ridiculous Parts of Coronavirus Lockdown

The Coronavirus lockdown is going to be a big part of the history our kids will read about. Hopefully the lockdown will be the craziest thing that happens in our decade, which ends in a party like the Great Gatsby. So what are the most historical moments from last year? Honestly, we don’t care. We just want to talk about the most ridiculous stuff.

Tiger King

Right as everyone went inside, this little gem just happened to pop up on Netflix. It wasn’t something anyone was proud of, but we all watched it by ourselves thinking about the petty drama of tiger keepers while the world was ending. The memes that came out of this show kept instagram interesting, and the caged tigers became suddenly relatable. Who would have known this would be just a precursor to Florida taking news headlines again and again.

The People who Set Up A Food Cart Outside The Capital Riots

It wouldn’t be the end of Democracy as we know it without hot dogs. The person who set up a cart to feed the rioters outside of the capitol showed us all that capitalism is possible at any time. Rioters who needed a snack break from trying to start the revolution gave us a very charming picture that will never be forgotten. How they managed to get permits for this location is still a mystery, but makes for one hell of a great picture.

The Four Seasons Landscaping Press Conference

Trump must have thought he scored the deal of a lifetime when he got a low priced deal for a press conference at the Four Seasons. Actually, he managed to make one of the most hilarious mistakes in the history of public mistakes. If this were high school, he would never live that down. This landscaping company will forever go down as absolute legends.

When Rudi Guliani’s Head Started Leaking

As Guliani was going on about how the election was completely rigged, his head started leaking. Nothing says how a person has uncovered liars, like their hair color coming uncovered. Nobody will remember whatever ridiculous thing he was talking about, but those leaky streaks will go down in history. Whoever owns the Non Fungible Token on this is going to make a killing.

Gamestop Almost Broke Wallstreet

The completely unprofessional and highly illogical forums on reddit told everyone to bet on Gamestop, and it almost brought Wallstreet down. They had to stop the training of the stock multiple times, and brought the person who was posting his gains into the SEC for questioning. In a time where the world appeared to be completely upside down, some poor people got rich.

When Everyone was Rioting

Lockdown was so unpopular that it got both the Left and Right ends of the political spectrum rioting. It started with the Right, who wanted haircuts and to go inside of shops again, and ended with the Left who wanted racial equality. One side was tear gassed for raiding Target, and the other tried to kidnap the Governor of Michigan.

Florida Never Shut Down

While everyone went inside to watch Tiger King during lockdown, Florida was out there living it. When a person looks at Florida man news headlines however, it comes to light they might have more to worry about than a deadly pandemic. But lets face it, we were all a little jealous of their continued party while we had to sit inside and order takeout sushi (and we know some of you went there for secret vacation).

Elon Musk

The now self titled Techno King of Tesla managed to make all sorts of headlines for his stocks performance. He landed a rocket that promptly blew up, while a Japanese billionaire said he’d take someone, “adventurous” into space with him (yikes). He also found out that celebrities can move markets rapidly by saying things like, “Dogecoin is the people’s coin”. The SEC never seems to leave him alone, and Elon Musk really is one sassy bitch.

Never forget the sassy power of self indulgent people. While most of us were stuck inside wishing we could have an awkward time with strangers at concerts and bars, some people were still being awkward in public. While the history books will likely remember these events as something serious, lets never forget how strange and funny a lot of this year has actually been. If for whatever reason we missed something, please comment below.

How to be the Best at Being Egoless

There’s a lot of chatter happening in the halls of the yoga studio. People will say things like, “It’s important to be humble” and, “my soul is feeling peace” but that’s just bush league bullshit. The person who is best at yoga doesn’t just have skills on the matt, they are also the one’s can talk the biggest game in the yoga in the halls. There is no greater way to show dominance than showing everyone that your egoless game is on fleek.

Ego Death

Nothing is more dramatic than death. Killing the ego? How very noble. Mention how ego death has revolutionized your entire life, because life is no longer about living for yourself. The fact that you are using the death of your ego to boost your self-image is a great way to get the leg up on potential competition, which will make your ego feel even better. Lets see them Namaskar out of that one!

Crown Chakra Power

Crowns are worn by kings and nothing says yoga royalty like a boasting the crown chakra. Lots of basic fools will talk about their root chakra, because it’s the easiest chakra to wrap an explanation around. Besides, nobody really knows what the Crown Chakra does so other people will just have to assume its something good. Its time to ascend.

Decalcified Pineal Gland

Anyone who is anyone knows that everyone has a dirty pineal gland. Was that clear enough? It shouldn’t be. Boasting a decalcified pineal gland should be something kind of quizzical, which is why it can help you win yoga. Tell people about the PH quality of water, and how common foods will actually make that gland murky. It’s not just spirit science, its winning.

Forgive and Forget

Everyone should be more forgiving, and telling people about that is a way of showing superiority. Forgetting? Mention all the times people have been in the wrong, but were forgiven by you because of the egoless-ness you poses. Remember every little thing someone did. Never forget what you had to forgive and tell people all the times something went wrong but was “forgiven” by your benevolent nature.

Ego is kind of like the person we are in the fantasy world that happens in our own head. Telling people how you are the master of that little show will make them elevate your status in their own head. By telling people that certain buzzwords are firmly under your control, perhaps everyone can finally just see how superior of an astrological being you really are. Bless up.

Moments that Nature Healed During Lockdown

People being forced inside made the natural world a better place. In short, our not being around led to nature healing. What this says about humanity is really scathing and a little uncalled for. We’ve gone ahead and put together a list of the most iconic moments that happened when people around the world were forced to stay inside. Hopefully, they make this trash fire of a year seem a little more worthwhile.

Clear Canals in Venice

Who knew so many tourists were peeing in the canals? Anyway, they are pretty clear now for the first time in ages, and even though no tourists were around around to see it, the fish really liked it. Swans and dolphins even came back, which is majestic as shit.

Elephants Got Drunk

Even though people could no longer go out and party, that did not hold back the elephants. A group of 14 elephants took advantage of the coronavirus to have a big old party in the field of a Yuan province. Now elephants know what it is to have a hangover and promise to never do it again. Until they do. 

Wild Goats Take Over a Town In Whales

It took a global pandemic for these majestic creatures to feel confident roaming the streets again. As people stayed in at Whales, the goats came out. People got some very quaint pictures of the real inhabitants retaking the streets. Let’s make sure this stays a regular thing.

Seeing the Himalayas from Delhi

The Himalayas haven’t been visible from India’s capital in the last 200 years, an insanely long period of time. Housing values must be soaring now that their balconies can boast views of the Himalayas. People can take a deep healthy breath during yoga out there now. Nature is healing.

Monkey Wars of Thailand

Who would have thought a guy eating a bat would lead to monkey wars in Thailand? Without any tourists to steal food from, monkeys in Thailand formed into packs and started a war. Much like modern gangs, monkeys banded together to fight over the territory left with good scraps like they were in the movie Highlander. 

Huge Rats in New York City

When the people left New York City during the peak of the pandemic, rats moved in. Peoples apartments now had rats sleeping in their beds, eating their food, and potentially even working their jobs. Individuals unfortunate enough not to have been left a trust fund by their parents were forced to confront this new huge rat problem, which could not have been pleasant.

Nature has been healing, and in some cases getting alarmingly stronger. As everyone turns the corner on 2020, lets just remember that things can always be this beautiful and nice if we just band together as a team and treat the environment well. But lets not turn our backs on the rats… Those bastards can continue living like its 2019.

Krampus, The Evil Cousin of Santa Clause

There is a lot of mall Santa potential behind the spirit of Krampus. Half demon, half goat cousin of Saint Nicolas, Krampus has sadly been buried beneath the commercial profits of Christmas. The tradition is rich, mysterious, and obviously comes out of Germany.

Krampus comes to kids deep on the naughty list, who dont care about receiving coal because they would probably use it to burn the house down. Being adults, they did the mature thing to better the lives of their children. Dressing up as a half goat half demon, parents were allowed to get drunk and hit their kids with sticks in the spirit of the season. There was also the potential to stuff kids into a sack and carry them down to hell, which must have been tempting during he long dark winters of Germany.

In a move that probably cut down on the salaries of all therapists in Germany, Krampus was phased out of Christmas around the time of World War Two. The Catholic Church officially decided to distance itself from Santa’s Demon cousin, but it was also likely that commercial sales were somehow damaged by threatening children with half goat demons.

Christmas cards and holiday gatherings have since been sorely missing the entertaining potential of the spirit of Krampus, which might be handy during the year 2020. A half goat demon figure who could beat anti-maskers with a stick in the mall would be a real boon to modern society. Whatever the fate of dear Krampus in the years to come, let’s make sure the traumatizing spirit of Santa’s Cousin will never been forgotten.

Milenial Dating Values

Dating has obviously changed a lot, and in many ways gotten more fun. Everyone knows some happy couple that met using cheesy pickup lines on tinder, but they also know the tinder date from hell. Dating in this day and age is easy though. All a person needs is a couple core values and they are good to go.

  1. Always have a picture of a dog or cat

Millenials love their pets so much, that it isn’t too uncommon to hear them called fur babies. Thats a whole mood. Since we don’t have enough money to buy a house and raise real children, we are left with the much better alternative of loving our pets. Have a couple of pictures on the phone to let them know about your family qualities. 

2) Know a little bit about astrology, but not too much

The fact is Astrology is a good time. Charting the stars in the sky to mean something about a greater personal destiny? Hell yeah. Life is like a video game. Know a little bit about the signs to make small talk. For example: Scorpios are always a red flag, but might mean good sex so… Take that as it comes.

3) Respect the wait staff

Nothing millennial hate more than a person who disrespects the wait staff. Its horrid. Most of us millennials have either had to take a wait staff job, or have dear friends in the industry. Worst thing a person can do on the date is be a sassy little bitch to the people who made your date delicious. 

4) Its okay to go halvesies

We don’t live in a time where women stay at home and eat prescription xanex, while the husband carries a briefcase off to a boys club that makes money. Modern ages mean that women actually have money, and are independent bad bitches who don’t take no shit!

5) Stay away from too much politics

We all know that black lives matter and that the world is starting to warm up, but unless this date is with Nancy Pelosi, remember that there isn’t too much a person can do. Just have some fun and remember that this conversation isn’t going to sway how the senate votes tomorrow morning. Try and keep it simple. 

While a lot has changed in modern dating, the basics have stayed the same. Be a good person and people will always be around to date. Being a bad person, not loving a dog or cat, or yelling at the waiter will make anyone undateable for obvious toxic reasons. 

Painful Reasons That Might Be Waking You Up In The Night

Ever wake up in the middle of the night and just think, why? We know, its bullshit. There are a ton of reasons why a person might wake up in the middle of the night, and we’ve decided to outline which ones were the most annoying, and regretful. 

Ate too much taco bell

The human body really starts rejecting taco bell after the age of 25. Taco bell meat has a worse rating than dog food, but it isn’t really noticeable until 3 am when explosive gasses begin forming somewhere the lower intestines. Hard to fall asleep with that kind of rocket engine propelling people across their beds.

Ghost sounds

Nothing is scarier than waking up in the middle of the night and fearing that a ghost is coming to eat your soul. Old house creaking and the tiny footsteps of little demon dolls will get anyone hiding under their bedsheets. Feet sticking off the end of the bed? Great way to entice that demon under the bed to drag someone into hell. Perhaps the only reason to eat taco bell before bed is to scare these little demons away with stinky farts.

That thing from back in 3rd grade that was super embarrassing

Ever called the teacher Mom and the whole class laughed? Well if that piece of trauma was somehow blocked out, the body might find a way of waking up to remind you at 3 am. Enjoy the next 5 hours of self inflicted emotional trauma, because there another time where the gym teacher got called dad.

Early exposure to hangover

Sometimes when a hangover is feeling especially nasty, it will wake the sleeper up at 4am to spend more time together. When alcohol gets processed by that overly abused liver, it turns into sugar, which turns into a sugar rush in the middle of the night. Sit back and enjoy the pain, because sleep will now be impossible. This one might be the worst.

That argument from last week which should have played out different

Its so annoying to lose arguments that the mind will actually go over different ways it could have played out so that it won. The only issue with this happening at 3am, is that you are actually losing all over again, because now the rest of the day is gonna be tired all day tomorrow. Say hi to those baggy eyes and people that say, “You look tired.” as though that isn’t the most annoying thing to hear after a night of no sleep. 

Nobody wants to wake up in the middle of the night, because it brings all sorts of creepy and gassy consequences. If only there was a way to actually get the body back to sleep, but there really isnt. We didn’t really intend to help you out with this, but its better to suffer in company than all alone. Now close your laptop and go the fuck to sleep.