Painful Reasons That Might Be Waking You Up In The Night

Ever wake up in the middle of the night and just think, why? We know, its bullshit. There are a ton of reasons why a person might wake up in the middle of the night, and we’ve decided to outline which ones were the most annoying, and regretful. 

Ate too much taco bell

The human body really starts rejecting taco bell after the age of 25. Taco bell meat has a worse rating than dog food, but it isn’t really noticeable until 3 am when explosive gasses begin forming somewhere the lower intestines. Hard to fall asleep with that kind of rocket engine propelling people across their beds.

Ghost sounds

Nothing is scarier than waking up in the middle of the night and fearing that a ghost is coming to eat your soul. Old house creaking and the tiny footsteps of little demon dolls will get anyone hiding under their bedsheets. Feet sticking off the end of the bed? Great way to entice that demon under the bed to drag someone into hell. Perhaps the only reason to eat taco bell before bed is to scare these little demons away with stinky farts.

That thing from back in 3rd grade that was super embarrassing

Ever called the teacher Mom and the whole class laughed? Well if that piece of trauma was somehow blocked out, the body might find a way of waking up to remind you at 3 am. Enjoy the next 5 hours of self inflicted emotional trauma, because there another time where the gym teacher got called dad.

Early exposure to hangover

Sometimes when a hangover is feeling especially nasty, it will wake the sleeper up at 4am to spend more time together. When alcohol gets processed by that overly abused liver, it turns into sugar, which turns into a sugar rush in the middle of the night. Sit back and enjoy the pain, because sleep will now be impossible. This one might be the worst.

That argument from last week which should have played out different

Its so annoying to lose arguments that the mind will actually go over different ways it could have played out so that it won. The only issue with this happening at 3am, is that you are actually losing all over again, because now the rest of the day is gonna be tired all day tomorrow. Say hi to those baggy eyes and people that say, “You look tired.” as though that isn’t the most annoying thing to hear after a night of no sleep. 

Nobody wants to wake up in the middle of the night, because it brings all sorts of creepy and gassy consequences. If only there was a way to actually get the body back to sleep, but there really isnt. We didn’t really intend to help you out with this, but its better to suffer in company than all alone. Now close your laptop and go the fuck to sleep. 

How To Sneeze Publicly In A Pandemic

Lets face it, sneezing or coughing in public these days is publicly unacceptable. Alergies could lead to a really boring 14 day mandatory lockdown, and weird stares from the neighbors. Nobody wants that. Here is our list of publicly acceptable suggestions to stay safe with regular body functions, while in the middle of a pandemic.

Start laughing hysterically

Set everyone’s mind at ease about the cough sneeze by laughing hysterically, like a crazy person. Was that a sneeze? Not quite sure, but everyone is way too afraid to ask. Definitely not messing with that guy.

Fart 

What a relief that its not coronavirus in the air, but just really stinky farts. People will breathe a deep sigh of relief and maybe even start cheering. Having a mask on makes a lot more sense when someone is farting in the area. 

Fake a heart attack instead

People will forget all about the coronavirus when they think someone is having a heart attack, but because of coronavirus, they wont want to get close enough to do anything. Perfect way to get to the front of a long line, and have people forget that someone was just sneezing. 

Make that squeaking noise with your shoes

Acting like its time to play basketball will make sure everyone forgets about the horrors of allergy season. People love playing basketball and they will likely just be confused about where to find a ball in the waiting room everyone is stuck in. Doing a super cool crossover motion with this ghost ball will earn bonus points, and might get everyone cheering. 

Run Away

No shame in making a scene. If all else fails, embrace the worst aspect of having sneezed and just run away like a coward. People will respect that because nobody wants to be sneezed on, and running away is the quickest method of having that person not sneeze on you. Does everyone a favor. 

In this age where its somewhat shameful and scary to be sick, these are just some of the ways to cover up regular body functions. Please let us know how these methods are working because we actually have bad allergies and are afraid of public places. 

Weird Feasts and Festivals of The World

Think Thanksgiving with your family is weird? Well it isn’t weird until your uncle starts jumping over babies in the name of Jesus Christ. People are doing all sorts of crazy things gathered together across the world. Here are some fine thanksgiving dinner conversation distractions to stop every in-law asking where is the fiance? Crack open a can of cranberry sauce and lets feast on the weirdness. 

Cheese Rolling

Ever see a piece of cheese rolling down a hill and think, damn I’d like to race that? Same here. People in Gloucester England race each other down a 200 meter hill, usually flipping and falling all over themselves, racing for that tasty piece of cheese. Get the family together and push that aunt who wont shut up about kids after the cheese. It will make you feel better. 

Wife Carrying

Ever just wanted to throw the old ball and chain over the shoulder and enter into a race with other couples? Well this thanksgiving could be the golden opportunity. With origins that are suspiciously rooted in the act of stealing women, this sport holds the golden prize of your wife’s weight in beer waiting at the end. 

Monkey Buffet Festival

Instead of feasting with the family, wouldn’t it be nice to do something kind fo the monkeys out there? The people of Thailand totally agree. Monkey Buffet festival is a celebration of our little cousins with a gigantic vegetarian feast for monkeys set in the beautiful backdrop of ancient temples. Not gonna lie, we’re kind of jealous. 

Toe Wrestling Championships

Think time with the family couldn’t get any more strange? Enter toe wrestling. The sport is essentially the same as arm wrestling, but involves the locking of toes and twisting of hips to pin an opponent. Imagine having the opportunity of being able to take smelly uncle Robert down a peg or two with a foot pin? 

Air Guitar Championships

Ever wanted to take the embarrassing things done listening to music in the shower onto the big stage of life? Well the people of Finland have already done it. Well, it started in Finland but its now practiced everywhere. People get together and show off how cool they could be on guitar if they actually played. Its epic. 

Bog Snorkeling in Wales

The Brits really do have a keen eye for strange festivals. Bog snorkeling is the celebration of England’s solid aquatic activities. People race from one end of a water filled ditch to the other, using nothing more than a snorkeling mask and flippers. Its definitely not cold at all, and there are totally fish in the water to look at. Relaxation at its finest. 

Underwater Music Festival

The best music venue? Probably the one where dolphins get to listen to music with the humans. Que little mermaid esqu under the sea style dance montage. This festival requires people to don some scuba gear and flippers to hear the full set. Imagine listening to music under a canopy of light refracting through the water and waves? Yes please.

Buso Festival – Hungary

Every year in the spring, these people in Hungary put on super creepy outfits to chase the winter season away. It is also a festival of no rules, so think of this place like fight club but in Hungary, and it lasts a week. Perhaps this would also be a good idea for the inlaws who cant seem to take the hint and get off the couch. 

Yorkshire pudding boat race

If you hadn’t considered the sea worthiness of yorkshire pudding, then this festival will be a real eye opener. The idea was conceived in true genius fashion, while drinking at the local pub. Since adults are too large to typically race in these pudding boats, the race is largely done by children. 

La Tomatina- AKA Tomato War

If the Spanish aren’t running from bulls down the middle of their city, they are battling with tomatoes in the middle of their city. There is a huge excess of tomatoes when all have been harvested, which means there is only one thing left to do; start a massive tomato war. Tourists and locals get together to toss tomatoes at each other, and it looks like something that should be done at Thanksgiving as well.

Pidakala War (Cow shit fight in india)

Tomatoes not heavy metal enough for you? How about hurling cow poop at each other during a day long battle for good health. All one has to do is cruise down to the southern Indian village of Kairuppala, and follow a cow for a few days to get ammo. This festival originated as a marriage dispute between gods, where the weapon of choice was cow dung. Luckily, people did not forget how much fun that was and continue to battle with cow poo today.

Baby Jumping in Spain

Babies can occasionally be possessed by satan, and the best way to cure that is by dressing up as the devil and jumping over them in the middle of the street. Leaping over these babies cleans them of the original sin. Next phase is sprinkling rose petals all over them, and returning them to their parents. No babies have been harmed in the making of this festival.

Now that thanksgiving at your house seems a bit more normal, try and spice things up a bit by discussing the possibility of a massive cow dung fight after dinner. If somebody’s kid starts crying and wont stop? Put them in a boat of yorkshire pudding where they can paddle to save their own lives. We all think thanksgiving can be crazy and weird, but consider for a moment doing one of these festivals as a family tradition.

How Cool Politicians Would Look If Conspiracy Theories Were Accurate

Conspiracy theories make the world a little more exciting. Politicians step away from being old white idiots who cant seem to get anything done, and become blood thirsty lizard people who fly around the sky in space ships worshipping Satan. Epic. We took the liberty of painting these conspiracy theories in a different light, so crack a cold one and head into the nuclear bunker. This is about to get weird.

Leading Scientists Trick World Into Wearing Cloth In Front Of Face for a joke

Scientists from around the world finally got together for the ultimate inside joke; making people wear masks on their face. Who would have thought scientists could be so funny? The top minds of the world would have just pulled off the greatest inside joke in history, making science funny again. They must be laughing their little heads off. Absolute mad lads.

Humanoid Reptiles

The idea that certain politicians are actually reptilian people that can lick their own eyeballs and fly with their leathery wings is pretty funny. Imagine Bernie Sanders secretly having talons and being able to fly around during the full moon? The world would already be a socialist dominion by now, and we’d be enjoying some universal healthcare. These reptiles are also apparently against global warming, which really seems to go against the heat lamp seeking reptilian instincts. 

Vaccines Created To Track Regular People

Vaccines have saved the world from crazy infectious diseases like Polio and smallpox. The idea that the government has all of a sudden decided to use this as an opportunity to track people in their boring daily lives is a real insult to the phone in our pocket already doing that. Imagine the sizes of the needles needed to inject us all with microchips? It would be huge.

Chemtrails Are the Government Giving Us Drugs

Wouldn’t that be nice? the idea that the government is really giving people drugs via air planes thousands of feet in the air is actually kind of a homie move. It would be very nice if the water vapor trails that form behind planes rocketing through the sky contained a little bit of prozac, or valium, something to ease the strain of life. Perhaps the real reason air travel is getting more expensive are better drugs being put in the chemtrails? Throw in some acid let’s get crazy.

Blood Harvesting

People that think the world’s elite are all getting together for Satanic blood drinking gatherings must have never watched CSPAN. This group of boring people decided to set down the law books and drink blood? They barely even drink alcohol. If by some chance these lizard people did shed their Hillary Clinton skin in the middle of the night and fly through the sky as a blood thirsty reptile, that would be cool as hell. 

Migrant Caravan Invasion From Mexico

The idea that a group of displaced refugees were actually somehow an elite invasion force is fascinating, and a huge compliment to Nicaragua. These malnutritioned refugees are like little Jason Bornes, here to steal people’s jobs. Such an obvious move to legally get into a country is not the greatest way to sneakily get into a country. The idea that these people are also elite warriors? Very cool. 

Conspiracy theories are so fun because they make the world so much more dramatic, and who doesn’t love Drama? Boring politicians all of a sudden become lizard people who fly through the sky, masks are the biggest inside joke in the world, and if anyone is feeling sad they can just stand under a chem trail for 30 minutes. What an exciting time to be alive.

How To Make The Most Noise At Yoga

Yoga began as a movement all about enlightenment, but now it’s a competition. When the yoga mat goes flat, it’s time to get attention. Don’t worry about people trying to relax on a Friday after work. They are going to be stunned by how enlightened everyone is who has read this article. Now crack a White Claw, and enter the standing tree pose.

  1. Breather really really loud

Nothing says a person is enlightened like super loud breath. The teacher will even probably say at one point that people should take a deep breath in and then release. Blow it out like the wolf in the three little piggies. Be the wolf… The whole time. If someone passes out, bonus points. Thats what enlightened gods do. 

2) Wear almost no clothes

Whats the point of doing yoga if people aren’t getting a little horny. Yoga pants were created for a reason, and so were jorts; to be sexy. Jort those yoga pants and leave the flowing linen shirt behind. Wrap the hair into a tight little bun or man turnip, rub on some pachuli oil, and lets make yoga sexy again.

3) Fart In a really awkward pose

Nothing says enlightenment like enlightening the room with a little fart. Its possibly the most classic way to toot your own horn, and people will think the fart just means the yogi is comfortable with themselves. Dont tell people, it was really just that Taco Bell was a bad choice before evening yoga practice. Chataranga.

4) Say Namaste louder than everyone else

People are fake news these days, so let them know Namaste. Let them know it loud! Its also a foreign language, so thats bonus points for being cultured. If the word Namascar comes out, people just might think there was a trip to Rishikesh in India (BTW no liquor in Rishikesh which is kind of a bummer but namascar).

5) Talk about the Yoga Buzz at the end

In life, its essential to follow through. Talking about the yoga buzz is one of the key ways to let people know that this is the drug. Saying, “Yoga is my drug.” creates additional bonus points towards enlightenment because people will associate it with fun drug addicts they know outside of yoga class.  Don’t tell people that its kale salad in the week, and cocaine in the weekend. If anyone asks too many questions, just breathe loudly and fart.

So now that yoga has been made cool again, its time to take the techniques into public. Stretching the neck muscles really dramatically on public transport is also a great idea. Don’t be afraid to fart and breathe loudly in public outside of the classroom. If you can do that, please take a video and upload it. We’d love to see it. 

How Emo Music Predicted 2020

Emo music so perfectly predicted our millennial lives, that we cant even. Songs about vindication, self loathing, and conspiracies have all become a strange reality. Millennials wanted a house with a lawn for dogs to run around in, but what we got was toilet paper shortages an a pandemic in 2020. Much like Nostradamus, it’s time to examine how our taste in music predicted our current predicament. 

  1. Some conspiracy theories were oddly accurate

Politicians and the elite had a sex island, aliens were confirmed by the US military, and monkeys had a literal war in Thailand. Before the beginning of quarantine this might have been a huge deal, but seems oddly normal for 2020. Now throw in the fact that having a dinner party with some friends might result in killing our parents. Doesn’t get much more emo than that. 

 

2) The Black Parade: BLM

This one is a bit more literal than anyone expected. The song is all about about going to a city to stand up for the repressed people out there in memory of our dad. Several months of protest later and we have filled the shoes of this prediction, which is another very emo thing.  

3) A Mysterious “They” Is Out There…

Who would have thought that talking about tacos would lead to taco adds popping up on social media for the next three days? The mysterious “They” may be onto something with the tacos here, but they also heard that conversation about accidentally pooping my pants and thats not okay.

4) We’re gonna be alone forever

“Cut my wrist and black my eyes” because we started quarantine without Bae. It would have been polite of the government to give people a 2 week heads up about being stuck alone in an apartment so everyone could have planned accordingly. Instead we were just stuck in our studios alone, wiping our butts with tortillas because Karen took all the toilet paper. 

5) We’ll Cary On

Nothing like quarantine to let people know that life just sort of “carries on”. Somehow we just keep waking up in the morning, making a little avocado toast, and drinking way too much coffee. Lets just hope 2021 mellows out a little bit. 

Since Emo music predicted 2020, lets just get excited to see what EDM music is going to bring to the table in 2021. Cant wait for everyone to be on drugs and dancing to the robot sex noises of life. Sometimes people need to look to the past to see the future. 

How To Cope With A Non Spiritual Roommate

The day has finally come, and that person off craigslist is setting up their toaster. When the topic of healing crystals and zodiac signs comes up, they actually don’t believe in that kind of thing. This obviously cannot be tolerated. Here is a list of method’s for pushing that non spiritual roommate into becoming a believer. Crack a hard Kombucha and let the vortex of power pulsate through everyone’s third eye.

1) Put healing crystals in all of their things

Who doesn’t love healing crystals? Roommates with negative energy, thats who. Place some of the spare healing crystals that were lying around the house in their shoes, pockets of jackets, hat brims, sock drawers, anywhere. Even put them on the floor by the bathroom in the middle of the night, so that if they step on it by accident, ancient power will shoot through the foot, up the spinal column, and into the third eye.

2) Photoshop their face onto known spiritual leaders, print those out, and put them around the house. 

If they are really having this much trouble getting a hint about becoming more spiritual, then maybe its time give them a real vision of what it could look like. Placing their face on famous spiritual people is the perfect example of how spirituality can change their lives. Waking up to pictures of Ghandi with their face on them all over the house? Glorious.

3) Take over all common space for baby goat yoga

A bunch of goats doing yoga in the living room will make anyone spiritual. Goats are not only cute, but have strong ties to the world of pentagrams and full moon spirit circles. Place goats all over the house for them to be constantly reminded of the inner spirit that drives them. Put goats in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, and in their car. Chataranga.

4) Write Kabbalah symbol’s on little sheets of paper

This one should really be practiced more extensively. Write some Kabbalah power phrases on sheets of paper, and put them under the middle of their mattress, inside the pockets of their clothes, behind picture frames, and in the gas tank of their car. If they start to think they are being haunted for some reason, that is a sign that they are in fact getting more spiritual. 

5) Daily affirmations on the refrigerator, specific to your roommates life.

Find out intimate details about their life, day, and current affairs. This can easily be done by reading a personal journal or via phone hacking. Take these events, and write spiritual affirmations specific to these events. They will most likely be changed by the power of their coincidence, and the knowledge that spirituality has over their life.

6) A forest of money trees.

For any regularly spiritual house, one or two money trees will help balance the energy quite nicely. If this roommate is not spiritual, you will likely need a small forest of money trees. Anywhere from 20-45 trees will do the trick. Don’t worry about having too many as there will be goats all over the house to eat them. An unexpected but welcome side effect of these trees might be that money does in fact grow on trees, and the government has been lying about that. 

7) Paint Sanskrit Power Verbs on the Wall

Sanskrit is one of the oldest, most powerful languages out there. Many claim Sanskrit can do magic, while others are actually out there converting their roommates with it. A quick google images search will bring up plenty of sanskrit to start painting with. Doesn’t matter what the phrase says. Put this behind the dry wall, under the tables, and inside of their furniture around the house. Get ready to feel ancient power radiating from the walls.

8) Burn incense all of the time

Nothing says spirit like some sandalwood or pachuli. Try and have at least one burning just about all the time. If the roommate tries to complain about the smell, say that its your laundry detergent, or that one of the gas pipes is leaking in the house. Perhaps even say that it isn’t them who finds the smell disagreeable, but the negative vibrations inside of them. That might wake them up!

While dealing with a non spiritual roommate can be very difficult load on anyones energy levels, it is not impossible to change their mind and their life. Take this list into your house and start making those aggressive positive changes that are needed. Its time to take your house back to the thriving hive of positive energy that it needs to be!