Ikea France Exposed for Spying

A USB stick containing an explosive compartment to destroy all evidence, ended up not exploding and giving away the details of this espionage to the world. A complicated network of executives was spying on their employees and union workers was exposed, and workers in France are pissed. Sometimes Swedish meatballs go best with a side of corporate espionage.

With such great one liners as, “A model worker has become a radical employee representative overnight.” Its hard not to break out some kale snack chips and dive into the juicy details. This ring of spying can be traced all the way back to 2009, and include the local police force.

he entire operation is being pinned on one man, Jean Francois Paris, the head of their French unit of Risk Management. His paranoia went so deep as hiring a bodyguard disguised as an administrative assistant, in case a worker lost it and started swinging baguettes. He has accused the people who pinned this on him of, “cowardice” and claims the ring was much more widespread than we could possibly believe.

Their targets? Union leaders, employees, and some customers that were trying to return expensive items, which was really annoying.

Their contact? An ex military operative named, Jean Pierre Foures. He boasted, “Leaving no traces” as one of his more attractive business qualities. It must have been difficult for him carrying around explosive USB sticks all day, which probably ruined more than a few pairs of pants.

While this system of spying has been exposed, more corporate spies are doubtlessly out there. Just how deep does this schmorgas board of espionage go with the Swedish home retailer? We will gladly sit eating Swedish meatballs while the drama unfurls.

Global Shipping is Back to Normal Again, Thanks to the Moon

A ship larger and heavier than the empire state building was trapped in a 300 foot wide passage of the Suez Canal. How did it get stuck? People are blaming the wind for moving a boat the size of a skyscraper to plow into the side of the canal. How did it get unstuck? Well… would you believe it was the moon?

Luckily a super moon came in to lift the boat with abnormally large tides. It’s almost unbelievable. A gust of wind blows the boat into a wall, and then the moon comes in clutch to lift it out of the predicament. Its like something out of the Lord of The Rings

The Egyptian government was also pretty deeply involved, heavily dredging and excavating the areas around where the ship had gotten stuck. Videos of the tugboat captains are circulating, where they celebrate the release of the Ever Given from its sandy prison.

The internet was broken for a few days, by pictures of people making jokes about the EverGiven cargo ship being stuck in the Suez Canal. Now that the boat is released, who knows what we will talk about? Maybe Biden will fall up some stairs agin.

Biden Fell Up Some Stairs, The Internet freaked Out

Joe Biden is the oldest president of the United States ever, and has nickname “Sleepy Joe”. With Trump out of office, content creation has run out of crazy things to talk about, since there are no tweets coming out at 4 in the morning. So when Joe Biden fell on his way up some of the steps to Air Force 1, the internet decided to go all out. (The funniest part? They blamed his fall on the wind.)

If Biden had moves like this on a skateboard, he would actually be Tony Hawk. Note that he is actually not wearing a helmet, which is something Kamila will have to talk with him about.

This would actually be much more comfortable way to board a plane. Why risk the dangerous winds, when those chairs from 4am infomercials are out there in existence? The suspense built up in Biden’s slow ride to the top would be incredible.

Little known fact: Biden was actually a solid football player, and lead his high school team to an undefeated season (in Delaware). Perhaps if he wasn’t the oldest President of the United States, he could be the oldest football player in the NFL?

I don’t know where Kamila would have found a group of trees in an airport to hide behind, but if she did this pic would be fitting. Since she is younger, she could obviously handle running up the steps. Perhaps she buttered them before the president took his big trip? See you next fall…

Without all the antics of Trump to keep people on the internet busy, any small thing can be blown out into a huge event. A simple stumble up the stairs is possibly the most exciting thing to happen in months. We are excited to see what other petty thing the internet can come up with for the small mistakes Biden will make.

Most Ridiculous Parts of Coronavirus Lockdown

The Coronavirus lockdown is going to be a big part of the history our kids will read about. Hopefully the lockdown will be the craziest thing that happens in our decade, which ends in a party like the Great Gatsby. So what are the most historical moments from last year? Honestly, we don’t care. We just want to talk about the most ridiculous stuff.

Tiger King

Right as everyone went inside, this little gem just happened to pop up on Netflix. It wasn’t something anyone was proud of, but we all watched it by ourselves thinking about the petty drama of tiger keepers while the world was ending. The memes that came out of this show kept instagram interesting, and the caged tigers became suddenly relatable. Who would have known this would be just a precursor to Florida taking news headlines again and again.

The People who Set Up A Food Cart Outside The Capital Riots

It wouldn’t be the end of Democracy as we know it without hot dogs. The person who set up a cart to feed the rioters outside of the capitol showed us all that capitalism is possible at any time. Rioters who needed a snack break from trying to start the revolution gave us a very charming picture that will never be forgotten. How they managed to get permits for this location is still a mystery, but makes for one hell of a great picture.

The Four Seasons Landscaping Press Conference

Trump must have thought he scored the deal of a lifetime when he got a low priced deal for a press conference at the Four Seasons. Actually, he managed to make one of the most hilarious mistakes in the history of public mistakes. If this were high school, he would never live that down. This landscaping company will forever go down as absolute legends.

When Rudi Guliani’s Head Started Leaking

As Guliani was going on about how the election was completely rigged, his head started leaking. Nothing says how a person has uncovered liars, like their hair color coming uncovered. Nobody will remember whatever ridiculous thing he was talking about, but those leaky streaks will go down in history. Whoever owns the Non Fungible Token on this is going to make a killing.

Gamestop Almost Broke Wallstreet

The completely unprofessional and highly illogical forums on reddit told everyone to bet on Gamestop, and it almost brought Wallstreet down. They had to stop the training of the stock multiple times, and brought the person who was posting his gains into the SEC for questioning. In a time where the world appeared to be completely upside down, some poor people got rich.

When Everyone was Rioting

Lockdown was so unpopular that it got both the Left and Right ends of the political spectrum rioting. It started with the Right, who wanted haircuts and to go inside of shops again, and ended with the Left who wanted racial equality. One side was tear gassed for raiding Target, and the other tried to kidnap the Governor of Michigan.

Florida Never Shut Down

While everyone went inside to watch Tiger King during lockdown, Florida was out there living it. When a person looks at Florida man news headlines however, it comes to light they might have more to worry about than a deadly pandemic. But lets face it, we were all a little jealous of their continued party while we had to sit inside and order takeout sushi (and we know some of you went there for secret vacation).

Elon Musk

The now self titled Techno King of Tesla managed to make all sorts of headlines for his stocks performance. He landed a rocket that promptly blew up, while a Japanese billionaire said he’d take someone, “adventurous” into space with him (yikes). He also found out that celebrities can move markets rapidly by saying things like, “Dogecoin is the people’s coin”. The SEC never seems to leave him alone, and Elon Musk really is one sassy bitch.

Never forget the sassy power of self indulgent people. While most of us were stuck inside wishing we could have an awkward time with strangers at concerts and bars, some people were still being awkward in public. While the history books will likely remember these events as something serious, lets never forget how strange and funny a lot of this year has actually been. If for whatever reason we missed something, please comment below.

How to be the Best at Being Egoless

There’s a lot of chatter happening in the halls of the yoga studio. People will say things like, “It’s important to be humble” and, “my soul is feeling peace” but that’s just bush league bullshit. The person who is best at yoga doesn’t just have skills on the matt, they are also the one’s can talk the biggest game in the yoga in the halls. There is no greater way to show dominance than showing everyone that your egoless game is on fleek.

Ego Death

Nothing is more dramatic than death. Killing the ego? How very noble. Mention how ego death has revolutionized your entire life, because life is no longer about living for yourself. The fact that you are using the death of your ego to boost your self-image is a great way to get the leg up on potential competition, which will make your ego feel even better. Lets see them Namaskar out of that one!

Crown Chakra Power

Crowns are worn by kings and nothing says yoga royalty like a boasting the crown chakra. Lots of basic fools will talk about their root chakra, because it’s the easiest chakra to wrap an explanation around. Besides, nobody really knows what the Crown Chakra does so other people will just have to assume its something good. Its time to ascend.

Decalcified Pineal Gland

Anyone who is anyone knows that everyone has a dirty pineal gland. Was that clear enough? It shouldn’t be. Boasting a decalcified pineal gland should be something kind of quizzical, which is why it can help you win yoga. Tell people about the PH quality of water, and how common foods will actually make that gland murky. It’s not just spirit science, its winning.

Forgive and Forget

Everyone should be more forgiving, and telling people about that is a way of showing superiority. Forgetting? Mention all the times people have been in the wrong, but were forgiven by you because of the egoless-ness you poses. Remember every little thing someone did. Never forget what you had to forgive and tell people all the times something went wrong but was “forgiven” by your benevolent nature.

Ego is kind of like the person we are in the fantasy world that happens in our own head. Telling people how you are the master of that little show will make them elevate your status in their own head. By telling people that certain buzzwords are firmly under your control, perhaps everyone can finally just see how superior of an astrological being you really are. Bless up.

Moments that Nature Healed During Lockdown

People being forced inside made the natural world a better place. In short, our not being around led to nature healing. What this says about humanity is really scathing and a little uncalled for. We’ve gone ahead and put together a list of the most iconic moments that happened when people around the world were forced to stay inside. Hopefully, they make this trash fire of a year seem a little more worthwhile.

Clear Canals in Venice

Who knew so many tourists were peeing in the canals? Anyway, they are pretty clear now for the first time in ages, and even though no tourists were around around to see it, the fish really liked it. Swans and dolphins even came back, which is majestic as shit.

Elephants Got Drunk

Even though people could no longer go out and party, that did not hold back the elephants. A group of 14 elephants took advantage of the coronavirus to have a big old party in the field of a Yuan province. Now elephants know what it is to have a hangover and promise to never do it again. Until they do. 

Wild Goats Take Over a Town In Whales

It took a global pandemic for these majestic creatures to feel confident roaming the streets again. As people stayed in at Whales, the goats came out. People got some very quaint pictures of the real inhabitants retaking the streets. Let’s make sure this stays a regular thing.

Seeing the Himalayas from Delhi

The Himalayas haven’t been visible from India’s capital in the last 200 years, an insanely long period of time. Housing values must be soaring now that their balconies can boast views of the Himalayas. People can take a deep healthy breath during yoga out there now. Nature is healing.

Monkey Wars of Thailand

Who would have thought a guy eating a bat would lead to monkey wars in Thailand? Without any tourists to steal food from, monkeys in Thailand formed into packs and started a war. Much like modern gangs, monkeys banded together to fight over the territory left with good scraps like they were in the movie Highlander. 

Huge Rats in New York City

When the people left New York City during the peak of the pandemic, rats moved in. Peoples apartments now had rats sleeping in their beds, eating their food, and potentially even working their jobs. Individuals unfortunate enough not to have been left a trust fund by their parents were forced to confront this new huge rat problem, which could not have been pleasant.

Nature has been healing, and in some cases getting alarmingly stronger. As everyone turns the corner on 2020, lets just remember that things can always be this beautiful and nice if we just band together as a team and treat the environment well. But lets not turn our backs on the rats… Those bastards can continue living like its 2019.

Krampus, The Evil Cousin of Santa Clause

There is a lot of mall Santa potential behind the spirit of Krampus. Half demon, half goat cousin of Saint Nicolas, Krampus has sadly been buried beneath the commercial profits of Christmas. The tradition is rich, mysterious, and obviously comes out of Germany.

Krampus comes to kids deep on the naughty list, who dont care about receiving coal because they would probably use it to burn the house down. Being adults, they did the mature thing to better the lives of their children. Dressing up as a half goat half demon, parents were allowed to get drunk and hit their kids with sticks in the spirit of the season. There was also the potential to stuff kids into a sack and carry them down to hell, which must have been tempting during he long dark winters of Germany.

In a move that probably cut down on the salaries of all therapists in Germany, Krampus was phased out of Christmas around the time of World War Two. The Catholic Church officially decided to distance itself from Santa’s Demon cousin, but it was also likely that commercial sales were somehow damaged by threatening children with half goat demons.

Christmas cards and holiday gatherings have since been sorely missing the entertaining potential of the spirit of Krampus, which might be handy during the year 2020. A half goat demon figure who could beat anti-maskers with a stick in the mall would be a real boon to modern society. Whatever the fate of dear Krampus in the years to come, let’s make sure the traumatizing spirit of Santa’s Cousin will never been forgotten.

How To Sneeze Publicly In A Pandemic

Lets face it, sneezing or coughing in public these days is publicly unacceptable. Alergies could lead to a really boring 14 day mandatory lockdown, and weird stares from the neighbors. Nobody wants that. Here is our list of publicly acceptable suggestions to stay safe with regular body functions, while in the middle of a pandemic.

Start laughing hysterically

Set everyone’s mind at ease about the cough sneeze by laughing hysterically, like a crazy person. Was that a sneeze? Not quite sure, but everyone is way too afraid to ask. Definitely not messing with that guy.

Fart 

What a relief that its not coronavirus in the air, but just really stinky farts. People will breathe a deep sigh of relief and maybe even start cheering. Having a mask on makes a lot more sense when someone is farting in the area. 

Fake a heart attack instead

People will forget all about the coronavirus when they think someone is having a heart attack, but because of coronavirus, they wont want to get close enough to do anything. Perfect way to get to the front of a long line, and have people forget that someone was just sneezing. 

Make that squeaking noise with your shoes

Acting like its time to play basketball will make sure everyone forgets about the horrors of allergy season. People love playing basketball and they will likely just be confused about where to find a ball in the waiting room everyone is stuck in. Doing a super cool crossover motion with this ghost ball will earn bonus points, and might get everyone cheering. 

Run Away

No shame in making a scene. If all else fails, embrace the worst aspect of having sneezed and just run away like a coward. People will respect that because nobody wants to be sneezed on, and running away is the quickest method of having that person not sneeze on you. Does everyone a favor. 

In this age where its somewhat shameful and scary to be sick, these are just some of the ways to cover up regular body functions. Please let us know how these methods are working because we actually have bad allergies and are afraid of public places. 

How not to be a germ bag

The pandemic has changed the way people look at each other, primarily looking at how gross other people are. Anyone who comes walking into the room could have the virus, and the way they are breathing is all of a sudden not that chill. How does one avoid becoming a germ bag like this? Here are a couple of suggestions. 

  1. Mask that doesn’t cover the nose

The people that keep their nose out of the masks, are the same people with terrible breath. They cant stick around under there to smell it out. Might as well go up to these people, offer them a mint, and then slap them. 

2) Guy who’s just touching everything

Everyone knows its hard to find the right avocado, but is it really necessary to touch all the boxes of cereal? Did they really need to do that to the cheese? Its disgusting what people think they can get away with. Stop touching my cheese!

3) Having Filthy hands

Its not just mouth’s that can spread the virus, but people’s filthy little hands. People that don’t know the word hand sanitizer really need to learn the word hand sanitizer. Keep a flask of vodka in the pocket; a little bit to keep the virus off the hands, and a little to clean the inside of our bodies. 

4) Shirt over the face guy

Forgetting a mask is so common these days, that stores just have a ton of masks for other people to use. Its actually the greatest thing ever. The shirt going over the face really just pushes armpit smell out of the bottom, which might be a smell worse than getting the coronavirus.

5) Guy who loses his mind in the store about not wearing a mask

Yikes. People that come running in screaming about their right to not wear a mask don’t seem to understand what a pandemic is, or that they don’t have to wear a mask for the rest of their lives. Just put that little piece of cloth over the face, and we can finally open the world up again. Put on a bandana and act like a cowboy, make it fun. 

Life has gotten crazy, but it should still be fun. Something nice about the current world is that its literally going to be a huge chapter in the history books. Take these little tid bit’s of advice out into the world and lets make life less stressful again. 

Weird Feasts and Festivals of The World

Think Thanksgiving with your family is weird? Well it isn’t weird until your uncle starts jumping over babies in the name of Jesus Christ. People are doing all sorts of crazy things gathered together across the world. Here are some fine thanksgiving dinner conversation distractions to stop every in-law asking where is the fiance? Crack open a can of cranberry sauce and lets feast on the weirdness. 

Cheese Rolling

Ever see a piece of cheese rolling down a hill and think, damn I’d like to race that? Same here. People in Gloucester England race each other down a 200 meter hill, usually flipping and falling all over themselves, racing for that tasty piece of cheese. Get the family together and push that aunt who wont shut up about kids after the cheese. It will make you feel better. 

Wife Carrying

Ever just wanted to throw the old ball and chain over the shoulder and enter into a race with other couples? Well this thanksgiving could be the golden opportunity. With origins that are suspiciously rooted in the act of stealing women, this sport holds the golden prize of your wife’s weight in beer waiting at the end. 

Monkey Buffet Festival

Instead of feasting with the family, wouldn’t it be nice to do something kind fo the monkeys out there? The people of Thailand totally agree. Monkey Buffet festival is a celebration of our little cousins with a gigantic vegetarian feast for monkeys set in the beautiful backdrop of ancient temples. Not gonna lie, we’re kind of jealous. 

Toe Wrestling Championships

Think time with the family couldn’t get any more strange? Enter toe wrestling. The sport is essentially the same as arm wrestling, but involves the locking of toes and twisting of hips to pin an opponent. Imagine having the opportunity of being able to take smelly uncle Robert down a peg or two with a foot pin? 

Air Guitar Championships

Ever wanted to take the embarrassing things done listening to music in the shower onto the big stage of life? Well the people of Finland have already done it. Well, it started in Finland but its now practiced everywhere. People get together and show off how cool they could be on guitar if they actually played. Its epic. 

Bog Snorkeling in Wales

The Brits really do have a keen eye for strange festivals. Bog snorkeling is the celebration of England’s solid aquatic activities. People race from one end of a water filled ditch to the other, using nothing more than a snorkeling mask and flippers. Its definitely not cold at all, and there are totally fish in the water to look at. Relaxation at its finest. 

Underwater Music Festival

The best music venue? Probably the one where dolphins get to listen to music with the humans. Que little mermaid esqu under the sea style dance montage. This festival requires people to don some scuba gear and flippers to hear the full set. Imagine listening to music under a canopy of light refracting through the water and waves? Yes please.

Buso Festival – Hungary

Every year in the spring, these people in Hungary put on super creepy outfits to chase the winter season away. It is also a festival of no rules, so think of this place like fight club but in Hungary, and it lasts a week. Perhaps this would also be a good idea for the inlaws who cant seem to take the hint and get off the couch. 

Yorkshire pudding boat race

If you hadn’t considered the sea worthiness of yorkshire pudding, then this festival will be a real eye opener. The idea was conceived in true genius fashion, while drinking at the local pub. Since adults are too large to typically race in these pudding boats, the race is largely done by children. 

La Tomatina- AKA Tomato War

If the Spanish aren’t running from bulls down the middle of their city, they are battling with tomatoes in the middle of their city. There is a huge excess of tomatoes when all have been harvested, which means there is only one thing left to do; start a massive tomato war. Tourists and locals get together to toss tomatoes at each other, and it looks like something that should be done at Thanksgiving as well.

Pidakala War (Cow shit fight in india)

Tomatoes not heavy metal enough for you? How about hurling cow poop at each other during a day long battle for good health. All one has to do is cruise down to the southern Indian village of Kairuppala, and follow a cow for a few days to get ammo. This festival originated as a marriage dispute between gods, where the weapon of choice was cow dung. Luckily, people did not forget how much fun that was and continue to battle with cow poo today.

Baby Jumping in Spain

Babies can occasionally be possessed by satan, and the best way to cure that is by dressing up as the devil and jumping over them in the middle of the street. Leaping over these babies cleans them of the original sin. Next phase is sprinkling rose petals all over them, and returning them to their parents. No babies have been harmed in the making of this festival.

Now that thanksgiving at your house seems a bit more normal, try and spice things up a bit by discussing the possibility of a massive cow dung fight after dinner. If somebody’s kid starts crying and wont stop? Put them in a boat of yorkshire pudding where they can paddle to save their own lives. We all think thanksgiving can be crazy and weird, but consider for a moment doing one of these festivals as a family tradition.