Whoops, a Boat is Trapped in the Suez Canal

A massive ship is stuck in the middle of the Suez Canal. The main shipping highway for oil to reach the western world is now blocked up worse than the guy who ate chilli cheese fries at Coachella. How could this all have happened? Well, a sandstorm blew in at exactly the wrong time. Shucks.

Parts of the Suez Canal get as narrow as 300 feet wide, and somehow there was enough wind and sand to ground this 1,300 foot ship into the banks on the side of the canal. An army of tugboats can be seen trying to pull the immense weight of this vessel away from the shoreline, but it seems to be no use. When a 1,300 foot anything gets stuck anywhere, it usually takes more than a tugboat to get it unstuck. Sorry tugboats.

Most of the global trade is now held up and considering the costly journey around the Cape of Good Hope, which is at the end of Africa (and adds a measly $450,000 to a tankers voyage). The cape is notorious for huge storms, and littered with bandito pirate gangs. Tom Hanks made a whole movie about how going through the Suez Canal is better than going around the Cape of Good Hope, and when he speaks we tend to listen to him.

Why does this matter to us peasants who don’t own a tanker? 2 Percent of the world’s oil is currently trying to pass through the Suez Canal, which is likely going to lead gas prices higher. If we don’t want gas prices to soar, we should join officials in praying for an extra high tide. Get your rain dance on.

Milenial Dating Values

Dating has obviously changed a lot, and in many ways gotten more fun. Everyone knows some happy couple that met using cheesy pickup lines on tinder, but they also know the tinder date from hell. Dating in this day and age is easy though. All a person needs is a couple core values and they are good to go.

  1. Always have a picture of a dog or cat

Millenials love their pets so much, that it isn’t too uncommon to hear them called fur babies. Thats a whole mood. Since we don’t have enough money to buy a house and raise real children, we are left with the much better alternative of loving our pets. Have a couple of pictures on the phone to let them know about your family qualities. 

2) Know a little bit about astrology, but not too much

The fact is Astrology is a good time. Charting the stars in the sky to mean something about a greater personal destiny? Hell yeah. Life is like a video game. Know a little bit about the signs to make small talk. For example: Scorpios are always a red flag, but might mean good sex so… Take that as it comes.

3) Respect the wait staff

Nothing millennial hate more than a person who disrespects the wait staff. Its horrid. Most of us millennials have either had to take a wait staff job, or have dear friends in the industry. Worst thing a person can do on the date is be a sassy little bitch to the people who made your date delicious. 

4) Its okay to go halvesies

We don’t live in a time where women stay at home and eat prescription xanex, while the husband carries a briefcase off to a boys club that makes money. Modern ages mean that women actually have money, and are independent bad bitches who don’t take no shit!

5) Stay away from too much politics

We all know that black lives matter and that the world is starting to warm up, but unless this date is with Nancy Pelosi, remember that there isn’t too much a person can do. Just have some fun and remember that this conversation isn’t going to sway how the senate votes tomorrow morning. Try and keep it simple. 

While a lot has changed in modern dating, the basics have stayed the same. Be a good person and people will always be around to date. Being a bad person, not loving a dog or cat, or yelling at the waiter will make anyone undateable for obvious toxic reasons. 

Painful Reasons That Might Be Waking You Up In The Night

Ever wake up in the middle of the night and just think, why? We know, its bullshit. There are a ton of reasons why a person might wake up in the middle of the night, and we’ve decided to outline which ones were the most annoying, and regretful. 

Ate too much taco bell

The human body really starts rejecting taco bell after the age of 25. Taco bell meat has a worse rating than dog food, but it isn’t really noticeable until 3 am when explosive gasses begin forming somewhere the lower intestines. Hard to fall asleep with that kind of rocket engine propelling people across their beds.

Ghost sounds

Nothing is scarier than waking up in the middle of the night and fearing that a ghost is coming to eat your soul. Old house creaking and the tiny footsteps of little demon dolls will get anyone hiding under their bedsheets. Feet sticking off the end of the bed? Great way to entice that demon under the bed to drag someone into hell. Perhaps the only reason to eat taco bell before bed is to scare these little demons away with stinky farts.

That thing from back in 3rd grade that was super embarrassing

Ever called the teacher Mom and the whole class laughed? Well if that piece of trauma was somehow blocked out, the body might find a way of waking up to remind you at 3 am. Enjoy the next 5 hours of self inflicted emotional trauma, because there another time where the gym teacher got called dad.

Early exposure to hangover

Sometimes when a hangover is feeling especially nasty, it will wake the sleeper up at 4am to spend more time together. When alcohol gets processed by that overly abused liver, it turns into sugar, which turns into a sugar rush in the middle of the night. Sit back and enjoy the pain, because sleep will now be impossible. This one might be the worst.

That argument from last week which should have played out different

Its so annoying to lose arguments that the mind will actually go over different ways it could have played out so that it won. The only issue with this happening at 3am, is that you are actually losing all over again, because now the rest of the day is gonna be tired all day tomorrow. Say hi to those baggy eyes and people that say, “You look tired.” as though that isn’t the most annoying thing to hear after a night of no sleep. 

Nobody wants to wake up in the middle of the night, because it brings all sorts of creepy and gassy consequences. If only there was a way to actually get the body back to sleep, but there really isnt. We didn’t really intend to help you out with this, but its better to suffer in company than all alone. Now close your laptop and go the fuck to sleep.