How To Make The Most Noise At Yoga

Yoga began as a movement all about enlightenment, but now it’s a competition. When the yoga mat goes flat, it’s time to get attention. Don’t worry about people trying to relax on a Friday after work. They are going to be stunned by how enlightened everyone is who has read this article. Now crack a White Claw, and enter the standing tree pose.

  1. Breather really really loud

Nothing says a person is enlightened like super loud breath. The teacher will even probably say at one point that people should take a deep breath in and then release. Blow it out like the wolf in the three little piggies. Be the wolf… The whole time. If someone passes out, bonus points. Thats what enlightened gods do. 

2) Wear almost no clothes

Whats the point of doing yoga if people aren’t getting a little horny. Yoga pants were created for a reason, and so were jorts; to be sexy. Jort those yoga pants and leave the flowing linen shirt behind. Wrap the hair into a tight little bun or man turnip, rub on some pachuli oil, and lets make yoga sexy again.

3) Fart In a really awkward pose

Nothing says enlightenment like enlightening the room with a little fart. Its possibly the most classic way to toot your own horn, and people will think the fart just means the yogi is comfortable with themselves. Dont tell people, it was really just that Taco Bell was a bad choice before evening yoga practice. Chataranga.

4) Say Namaste louder than everyone else

People are fake news these days, so let them know Namaste. Let them know it loud! Its also a foreign language, so thats bonus points for being cultured. If the word Namascar comes out, people just might think there was a trip to Rishikesh in India (BTW no liquor in Rishikesh which is kind of a bummer but namascar).

5) Talk about the Yoga Buzz at the end

In life, its essential to follow through. Talking about the yoga buzz is one of the key ways to let people know that this is the drug. Saying, “Yoga is my drug.” creates additional bonus points towards enlightenment because people will associate it with fun drug addicts they know outside of yoga class.  Don’t tell people that its kale salad in the week, and cocaine in the weekend. If anyone asks too many questions, just breathe loudly and fart.

So now that yoga has been made cool again, its time to take the techniques into public. Stretching the neck muscles really dramatically on public transport is also a great idea. Don’t be afraid to fart and breathe loudly in public outside of the classroom. If you can do that, please take a video and upload it. We’d love to see it. 

How Emo Music Predicted 2020

Emo music so perfectly predicted our millennial lives, that we cant even. Songs about vindication, self loathing, and conspiracies have all become a strange reality. Millennials wanted a house with a lawn for dogs to run around in, but what we got was toilet paper shortages an a pandemic in 2020. Much like Nostradamus, it’s time to examine how our taste in music predicted our current predicament. 

  1. Some conspiracy theories were oddly accurate

Politicians and the elite had a sex island, aliens were confirmed by the US military, and monkeys had a literal war in Thailand. Before the beginning of quarantine this might have been a huge deal, but seems oddly normal for 2020. Now throw in the fact that having a dinner party with some friends might result in killing our parents. Doesn’t get much more emo than that. 


2) The Black Parade: BLM

This one is a bit more literal than anyone expected. The song is all about about going to a city to stand up for the repressed people out there in memory of our dad. Several months of protest later and we have filled the shoes of this prediction, which is another very emo thing.  

3) A Mysterious “They” Is Out There…

Who would have thought that talking about tacos would lead to taco adds popping up on social media for the next three days? The mysterious “They” may be onto something with the tacos here, but they also heard that conversation about accidentally pooping my pants and thats not okay.

4) We’re gonna be alone forever

“Cut my wrist and black my eyes” because we started quarantine without Bae. It would have been polite of the government to give people a 2 week heads up about being stuck alone in an apartment so everyone could have planned accordingly. Instead we were just stuck in our studios alone, wiping our butts with tortillas because Karen took all the toilet paper. 

5) We’ll Cary On

Nothing like quarantine to let people know that life just sort of “carries on”. Somehow we just keep waking up in the morning, making a little avocado toast, and drinking way too much coffee. Lets just hope 2021 mellows out a little bit. 

Since Emo music predicted 2020, lets just get excited to see what EDM music is going to bring to the table in 2021. Cant wait for everyone to be on drugs and dancing to the robot sex noises of life. Sometimes people need to look to the past to see the future. 

How To Cope With A Non Spiritual Roommate

The day has finally come, and that person off craigslist is setting up their toaster. When the topic of healing crystals and zodiac signs comes up, they actually don’t believe in that kind of thing. This obviously cannot be tolerated. Here is a list of method’s for pushing that non spiritual roommate into becoming a believer. Crack a hard Kombucha and let the vortex of power pulsate through everyone’s third eye.

1) Put healing crystals in all of their things

Who doesn’t love healing crystals? Roommates with negative energy, thats who. Place some of the spare healing crystals that were lying around the house in their shoes, pockets of jackets, hat brims, sock drawers, anywhere. Even put them on the floor by the bathroom in the middle of the night, so that if they step on it by accident, ancient power will shoot through the foot, up the spinal column, and into the third eye.

2) Photoshop their face onto known spiritual leaders, print those out, and put them around the house. 

If they are really having this much trouble getting a hint about becoming more spiritual, then maybe its time give them a real vision of what it could look like. Placing their face on famous spiritual people is the perfect example of how spirituality can change their lives. Waking up to pictures of Ghandi with their face on them all over the house? Glorious.

3) Take over all common space for baby goat yoga

A bunch of goats doing yoga in the living room will make anyone spiritual. Goats are not only cute, but have strong ties to the world of pentagrams and full moon spirit circles. Place goats all over the house for them to be constantly reminded of the inner spirit that drives them. Put goats in the living room, kitchen, bathroom, and in their car. Chataranga.

4) Write Kabbalah symbol’s on little sheets of paper

This one should really be practiced more extensively. Write some Kabbalah power phrases on sheets of paper, and put them under the middle of their mattress, inside the pockets of their clothes, behind picture frames, and in the gas tank of their car. If they start to think they are being haunted for some reason, that is a sign that they are in fact getting more spiritual. 

5) Daily affirmations on the refrigerator, specific to your roommates life.

Find out intimate details about their life, day, and current affairs. This can easily be done by reading a personal journal or via phone hacking. Take these events, and write spiritual affirmations specific to these events. They will most likely be changed by the power of their coincidence, and the knowledge that spirituality has over their life.

6) A forest of money trees.

For any regularly spiritual house, one or two money trees will help balance the energy quite nicely. If this roommate is not spiritual, you will likely need a small forest of money trees. Anywhere from 20-45 trees will do the trick. Don’t worry about having too many as there will be goats all over the house to eat them. An unexpected but welcome side effect of these trees might be that money does in fact grow on trees, and the government has been lying about that. 

7) Paint Sanskrit Power Verbs on the Wall

Sanskrit is one of the oldest, most powerful languages out there. Many claim Sanskrit can do magic, while others are actually out there converting their roommates with it. A quick google images search will bring up plenty of sanskrit to start painting with. Doesn’t matter what the phrase says. Put this behind the dry wall, under the tables, and inside of their furniture around the house. Get ready to feel ancient power radiating from the walls.

8) Burn incense all of the time

Nothing says spirit like some sandalwood or pachuli. Try and have at least one burning just about all the time. If the roommate tries to complain about the smell, say that its your laundry detergent, or that one of the gas pipes is leaking in the house. Perhaps even say that it isn’t them who finds the smell disagreeable, but the negative vibrations inside of them. That might wake them up!

While dealing with a non spiritual roommate can be very difficult load on anyones energy levels, it is not impossible to change their mind and their life. Take this list into your house and start making those aggressive positive changes that are needed. Its time to take your house back to the thriving hive of positive energy that it needs to be!