A massive ship is stuck in the middle of the Suez Canal. The main shipping highway for oil to reach the western world is now blocked up worse than the guy who ate chilli cheese fries at Coachella. How could this all have happened? Well, a sandstorm blew in at exactly the wrong time. Shucks.
Parts of the Suez Canal get as narrow as 300 feet wide, and somehow there was enough wind and sand to ground this 1,300 foot ship into the banks on the side of the canal. An army of tugboats can be seen trying to pull the immense weight of this vessel away from the shoreline, but it seems to be no use. When a 1,300 foot anything gets stuck anywhere, it usually takes more than a tugboat to get it unstuck. Sorry tugboats.
Most of the global trade is now held up and considering the costly journey around the Cape of Good Hope, which is at the end of Africa (and adds a measly $450,000 to a tankers voyage). The cape is notorious for huge storms, and littered with bandito pirate gangs. Tom Hanks made a whole movie about how going through the Suez Canal is better than going around the Cape of Good Hope, and when he speaks we tend to listen to him.
Why does this matter to us peasants who don’t own a tanker? 2 Percent of the world’s oil is currently trying to pass through the Suez Canal, which is likely going to lead gas prices higher. If we don’t want gas prices to soar, we should join officials in praying for an extra high tide. Get your rain dance on.
There’s a lot of chatter happening in the halls of the yoga studio. People will say things like, “It’s important to be humble” and, “my soul is feeling peace” but that’s just bush league bullshit. The person who is best at yoga doesn’t just have skills on the matt, they are also the one’s can talk the biggest game in the yoga in the halls. There is no greater way to show dominance than showing everyone that your egoless game is on fleek.
Nothing is more dramatic than death. Killing the ego? How very noble. Mention how ego death has revolutionized your entire life, because life is no longer about living for yourself. The fact that you are using the death of your ego to boost your self-image is a great way to get the leg up on potential competition, which will make your ego feel even better. Lets see them Namaskar out of that one!
Crown Chakra Power
Crowns are worn by kings and nothing says yoga royalty like a boasting the crown chakra. Lots of basic fools will talk about their root chakra, because it’s the easiest chakra to wrap an explanation around. Besides, nobody really knows what the Crown Chakra does so other people will just have to assume its something good. Its time to ascend.
Decalcified Pineal Gland
Anyone who is anyone knows that everyone has a dirty pineal gland. Was that clear enough? It shouldn’t be. Boasting a decalcified pineal gland should be something kind of quizzical, which is why it can help you win yoga. Tell people about the PH quality of water, and how common foods will actually make that gland murky. It’s not just spirit science, its winning.
Forgive and Forget
Everyone should be more forgiving, and telling people about that is a way of showing superiority. Forgetting? Mention all the times people have been in the wrong, but were forgiven by you because of the egoless-ness you poses. Remember every little thing someone did. Never forget what you had to forgive and tell people all the times something went wrong but was “forgiven” by your benevolent nature.
Ego is kind of like the person we are in the fantasy world that happens in our own head. Telling people how you are the master of that little show will make them elevate your status in their own head. By telling people that certain buzzwords are firmly under your control, perhaps everyone can finally just see how superior of an astrological being you really are. Bless up.
People being forced inside made the natural world a better place. In short, our not being around led to nature healing. What this says about humanity is really scathing and a little uncalled for. We’ve gone ahead and put together a list of the most iconic moments that happened when people around the world were forced to stay inside. Hopefully, they make this trash fire of a year seem a little more worthwhile.
Clear Canals in Venice
Who knew so many tourists were peeing in the canals? Anyway, they are pretty clear now for the first time in ages, and even though no tourists were around around to see it, the fish really liked it. Swans and dolphins even came back, which is majestic as shit.
Elephants Got Drunk
Even though people could no longer go out and party, that did not hold back the elephants. A group of 14 elephants took advantage of the coronavirus to have a big old party in the field of a Yuan province. Now elephants know what it is to have a hangover and promise to never do it again. Until they do.
Wild Goats Take Over a Town In Whales
It took a global pandemic for these majestic creatures to feel confident roaming the streets again. As people stayed in at Whales, the goats came out. People got some very quaint pictures of the real inhabitants retaking the streets. Let’s make sure this stays a regular thing.
Seeing the Himalayas from Delhi
The Himalayas haven’t been visible from India’s capital in the last 200 years, an insanely long period of time. Housing values must be soaring now that their balconies can boast views of the Himalayas. People can take a deep healthy breath during yoga out there now. Nature is healing.
Monkey Wars of Thailand
Who would have thought a guy eating a bat would lead to monkey wars in Thailand? Without any tourists to steal food from, monkeys in Thailand formed into packs and started a war. Much like modern gangs, monkeys banded together to fight over the territory left with good scraps like they were in the movie Highlander.
Huge Rats in New York City
When the people left New York City during the peak of the pandemic, rats moved in. Peoples apartments now had rats sleeping in their beds, eating their food, and potentially even working their jobs. Individuals unfortunate enough not to have been left a trust fund by their parents were forced to confront this new huge rat problem, which could not have been pleasant.
Nature has been healing, and in some cases getting alarmingly stronger. As everyone turns the corner on 2020, lets just remember that things can always be this beautiful and nice if we just band together as a team and treat the environment well. But lets not turn our backs on the rats… Those bastards can continue living like its 2019.
There is a lot of mall Santa potential behind the spirit of Krampus. Half demon, half goat cousin of Saint Nicolas, Krampus has sadly been buried beneath the commercial profits of Christmas. The tradition is rich, mysterious, and obviously comes out of Germany.
Krampus comes to kids deep on the naughty list, who dont care about receiving coal because they would probably use it to burn the house down. Being adults, they did the mature thing to better the lives of their children. Dressing up as a half goat half demon, parents were allowed to get drunk and hit their kids with sticks in the spirit of the season. There was also the potential to stuff kids into a sack and carry them down to hell, which must have been tempting during he long dark winters of Germany.
In a move that probably cut down on the salaries of all therapists in Germany, Krampus was phased out of Christmas around the time of World War Two. The Catholic Church officially decided to distance itself from Santa’s Demon cousin, but it was also likely that commercial sales were somehow damaged by threatening children with half goat demons.
Christmas cards and holiday gatherings have since been sorely missing the entertaining potential of the spirit of Krampus, which might be handy during the year 2020. A half goat demon figure who could beat anti-maskers with a stick in the mall would be a real boon to modern society. Whatever the fate of dear Krampus in the years to come, let’s make sure the traumatizing spirit of Santa’s Cousin will never been forgotten.
Dating has obviously changed a lot, and in many ways gotten more fun. Everyone knows some happy couple that met using cheesy pickup lines on tinder, but they also know the tinder date from hell. Dating in this day and age is easy though. All a person needs is a couple core values and they are good to go.
Always have a picture of a dog or cat
Millenials love their pets so much, that it isn’t too uncommon to hear them called fur babies. Thats a whole mood. Since we don’t have enough money to buy a house and raise real children, we are left with the much better alternative of loving our pets. Have a couple of pictures on the phone to let them know about your family qualities.
2) Know a little bit about astrology, but not too much
The fact is Astrology is a good time. Charting the stars in the sky to mean something about a greater personal destiny? Hell yeah. Life is like a video game. Know a little bit about the signs to make small talk. For example: Scorpios are always a red flag, but might mean good sex so… Take that as it comes.
3) Respect the wait staff
Nothing millennial hate more than a person who disrespects the wait staff. Its horrid. Most of us millennials have either had to take a wait staff job, or have dear friends in the industry. Worst thing a person can do on the date is be a sassy little bitch to the people who made your date delicious.
4) Its okay to go halvesies
We don’t live in a time where women stay at home and eat prescription xanex, while the husband carries a briefcase off to a boys club that makes money. Modern ages mean that women actually have money, and are independent bad bitches who don’t take no shit!
5) Stay away from too much politics
We all know that black lives matter and that the world is starting to warm up, but unless this date is with Nancy Pelosi, remember that there isn’t too much a person can do. Just have some fun and remember that this conversation isn’t going to sway how the senate votes tomorrow morning. Try and keep it simple.
While a lot has changed in modern dating, the basics have stayed the same. Be a good person and people will always be around to date. Being a bad person, not loving a dog or cat, or yelling at the waiter will make anyone undateable for obvious toxic reasons.
Ever wake up in the middle of the night and just think, why? We know, its bullshit. There are a ton of reasons why a person might wake up in the middle of the night, and we’ve decided to outline which ones were the most annoying, and regretful.
Ate too much taco bell
The human body really starts rejecting taco bell after the age of 25. Taco bell meat has a worse rating than dog food, but it isn’t really noticeable until 3 am when explosive gasses begin forming somewhere the lower intestines. Hard to fall asleep with that kind of rocket engine propelling people across their beds.
Nothing is scarier than waking up in the middle of the night and fearing that a ghost is coming to eat your soul. Old house creaking and the tiny footsteps of little demon dolls will get anyone hiding under their bedsheets. Feet sticking off the end of the bed? Great way to entice that demon under the bed to drag someone into hell. Perhaps the only reason to eat taco bell before bed is to scare these little demons away with stinky farts.
That thing from back in 3rd grade that was super embarrassing
Ever called the teacher Mom and the whole class laughed? Well if that piece of trauma was somehow blocked out, the body might find a way of waking up to remind you at 3 am. Enjoy the next 5 hours of self inflicted emotional trauma, because there another time where the gym teacher got called dad.
Early exposure to hangover
Sometimes when a hangover is feeling especially nasty, it will wake the sleeper up at 4am to spend more time together. When alcohol gets processed by that overly abused liver, it turns into sugar, which turns into a sugar rush in the middle of the night. Sit back and enjoy the pain, because sleep will now be impossible. This one might be the worst.
That argument from last week which should have played out different
Its so annoying to lose arguments that the mind will actually go over different ways it could have played out so that it won. The only issue with this happening at 3am, is that you are actually losing all over again, because now the rest of the day is gonna be tired all day tomorrow. Say hi to those baggy eyes and people that say, “You look tired.” as though that isn’t the most annoying thing to hear after a night of no sleep.
Nobody wants to wake up in the middle of the night, because it brings all sorts of creepy and gassy consequences. If only there was a way to actually get the body back to sleep, but there really isnt. We didn’t really intend to help you out with this, but its better to suffer in company than all alone. Now close your laptop and go the fuck to sleep.
Lets face it, sneezing or coughing in public these days is publicly unacceptable. Alergies could lead to a really boring 14 day mandatory lockdown, and weird stares from the neighbors. Nobody wants that. Here is our list of publicly acceptable suggestions to stay safe with regular body functions, while in the middle of a pandemic.
Start laughing hysterically
Set everyone’s mind at ease about the cough sneeze by laughing hysterically, like a crazy person. Was that a sneeze? Not quite sure, but everyone is way too afraid to ask. Definitely not messing with that guy.
What a relief that its not coronavirus in the air, but just really stinky farts. People will breathe a deep sigh of relief and maybe even start cheering. Having a mask on makes a lot more sense when someone is farting in the area.
Fake a heart attack instead
People will forget all about the coronavirus when they think someone is having a heart attack, but because of coronavirus, they wont want to get close enough to do anything. Perfect way to get to the front of a long line, and have people forget that someone was just sneezing.
Make that squeaking noise with your shoes
Acting like its time to play basketball will make sure everyone forgets about the horrors of allergy season. People love playing basketball and they will likely just be confused about where to find a ball in the waiting room everyone is stuck in. Doing a super cool crossover motion with this ghost ball will earn bonus points, and might get everyone cheering.
No shame in making a scene. If all else fails, embrace the worst aspect of having sneezed and just run away like a coward. People will respect that because nobody wants to be sneezed on, and running away is the quickest method of having that person not sneeze on you. Does everyone a favor.
In this age where its somewhat shameful and scary to be sick, these are just some of the ways to cover up regular body functions. Please let us know how these methods are working because we actually have bad allergies and are afraid of public places.
The pandemic has changed the way people look at each other, primarily looking at how gross other people are. Anyone who comes walking into the room could have the virus, and the way they are breathing is all of a sudden not that chill. How does one avoid becoming a germ bag like this? Here are a couple of suggestions.
Mask that doesn’t cover the nose
The people that keep their nose out of the masks, are the same people with terrible breath. They cant stick around under there to smell it out. Might as well go up to these people, offer them a mint, and then slap them.
2) Guy who’s just touching everything
Everyone knows its hard to find the right avocado, but is it really necessary to touch all the boxes of cereal? Did they really need to do that to the cheese? Its disgusting what people think they can get away with. Stop touching my cheese!
3) Having Filthy hands
Its not just mouth’s that can spread the virus, but people’s filthy little hands. People that don’t know the word hand sanitizer really need to learn the word hand sanitizer. Keep a flask of vodka in the pocket; a little bit to keep the virus off the hands, and a little to clean the inside of our bodies.
4) Shirt over the face guy
Forgetting a mask is so common these days, that stores just have a ton of masks for other people to use. Its actually the greatest thing ever. The shirt going over the face really just pushes armpit smell out of the bottom, which might be a smell worse than getting the coronavirus.
5) Guy who loses his mind in the store about not wearing a mask
Yikes. People that come running in screaming about their right to not wear a mask don’t seem to understand what a pandemic is, or that they don’t have to wear a mask for the rest of their lives. Just put that little piece of cloth over the face, and we can finally open the world up again. Put on a bandana and act like a cowboy, make it fun.
Life has gotten crazy, but it should still be fun. Something nice about the current world is that its literally going to be a huge chapter in the history books. Take these little tid bit’s of advice out into the world and lets make life less stressful again.
Think Thanksgiving with your family is weird? Well it isn’t weird until your uncle starts jumping over babies in the name of Jesus Christ. People are doing all sorts of crazy things gathered together across the world. Here are some fine thanksgiving dinner conversation distractions to stop every in-law asking where is the fiance? Crack open a can of cranberry sauce and lets feast on the weirdness.
Ever see a piece of cheese rolling down a hill and think, damn I’d like to race that? Same here. People in Gloucester England race each other down a 200 meter hill, usually flipping and falling all over themselves, racing for that tasty piece of cheese. Get the family together and push that aunt who wont shut up about kids after the cheese. It will make you feel better.
Ever just wanted to throw the old ball and chain over the shoulder and enter into a race with other couples? Well this thanksgiving could be the golden opportunity. With origins that are suspiciously rooted in the act of stealing women, this sport holds the golden prize of your wife’s weight in beer waiting at the end.
Monkey Buffet Festival
Instead of feasting with the family, wouldn’t it be nice to do something kind fo the monkeys out there? The people of Thailand totally agree. Monkey Buffet festival is a celebration of our little cousins with a gigantic vegetarian feast for monkeys set in the beautiful backdrop of ancient temples. Not gonna lie, we’re kind of jealous.
Toe Wrestling Championships
Think time with the family couldn’t get any more strange? Enter toe wrestling. The sport is essentially the same as arm wrestling, but involves the locking of toes and twisting of hips to pin an opponent. Imagine having the opportunity of being able to take smelly uncle Robert down a peg or two with a foot pin?
Air Guitar Championships
Ever wanted to take the embarrassing things done listening to music in the shower onto the big stage of life? Well the people of Finland have already done it. Well, it started in Finland but its now practiced everywhere. People get together and show off how cool they could be on guitar if they actually played. Its epic.
Bog Snorkeling in Wales
The Brits really do have a keen eye for strange festivals. Bog snorkeling is the celebration of England’s solid aquatic activities. People race from one end of a water filled ditch to the other, using nothing more than a snorkeling mask and flippers. Its definitely not cold at all, and there are totally fish in the water to look at. Relaxation at its finest.
Underwater Music Festival
The best music venue? Probably the one where dolphins get to listen to music with the humans. Que little mermaid esqu under the sea style dance montage. This festival requires people to don some scuba gear and flippers to hear the full set. Imagine listening to music under a canopy of light refracting through the water and waves? Yes please.
Buso Festival – Hungary
Every year in the spring, these people in Hungary put on super creepy outfits to chase the winter season away. It is also a festival of no rules, so think of this place like fight club but in Hungary, and it lasts a week. Perhaps this would also be a good idea for the inlaws who cant seem to take the hint and get off the couch.
Yorkshire pudding boat race
If you hadn’t considered the sea worthiness of yorkshire pudding, then this festival will be a real eye opener. The idea was conceived in true genius fashion, while drinking at the local pub. Since adults are too large to typically race in these pudding boats, the race is largely done by children.
La Tomatina- AKA Tomato War
If the Spanish aren’t running from bulls down the middle of their city, they are battling with tomatoes in the middle of their city. There is a huge excess of tomatoes when all have been harvested, which means there is only one thing left to do; start a massive tomato war. Tourists and locals get together to toss tomatoes at each other, and it looks like something that should be done at Thanksgiving as well.
Pidakala War (Cow shit fight in india)
Tomatoes not heavy metal enough for you? How about hurling cow poop at each other during a day long battle for good health. All one has to do is cruise down to the southern Indian village of Kairuppala, and follow a cow for a few days to get ammo. This festival originated as a marriage dispute between gods, where the weapon of choice was cow dung. Luckily, people did not forget how much fun that was and continue to battle with cow poo today.
Baby Jumping in Spain
Babies can occasionally be possessed by satan, and the best way to cure that is by dressing up as the devil and jumping over them in the middle of the street. Leaping over these babies cleans them of the original sin. Next phase is sprinkling rose petals all over them, and returning them to their parents. No babies have been harmed in the making of this festival.
Now that thanksgiving at your house seems a bit more normal, try and spice things up a bit by discussing the possibility of a massive cow dung fight after dinner. If somebody’s kid starts crying and wont stop? Put them in a boat of yorkshire pudding where they can paddle to save their own lives. We all think thanksgiving can be crazy and weird, but consider for a moment doing one of these festivals as a family tradition.
Conspiracy theories make the world a little more exciting. Politicians step away from being old white idiots who cant seem to get anything done, and become blood thirsty lizard people who fly around the sky in space ships worshipping Satan. Epic. We took the liberty of painting these conspiracy theories in a different light, so crack a cold one and head into the nuclear bunker. This is about to get weird.
Leading Scientists Trick World Into Wearing Cloth In Front Of Face for a joke
Scientists from around the world finally got together for the ultimate inside joke; making people wear masks on their face. Who would have thought scientists could be so funny? The top minds of the world would have just pulled off the greatest inside joke in history, making science funny again. They must be laughing their little heads off. Absolute mad lads.
The idea that certain politicians are actually reptilian people that can lick their own eyeballs and fly with their leathery wings is pretty funny. Imagine Bernie Sanders secretly having talons and being able to fly around during the full moon? The world would already be a socialist dominion by now, and we’d be enjoying some universal healthcare. These reptiles are also apparently against global warming, which really seems to go against the heat lamp seeking reptilian instincts.
Vaccines Created To Track Regular People
Vaccines have saved the world from crazy infectious diseases like Polio and smallpox. The idea that the government has all of a sudden decided to use this as an opportunity to track people in their boring daily lives is a real insult to the phone in our pocket already doing that. Imagine the sizes of the needles needed to inject us all with microchips? It would be huge.
Chemtrails Are the Government Giving Us Drugs
Wouldn’t that be nice? the idea that the government is really giving people drugs via air planes thousands of feet in the air is actually kind of a homie move. It would be very nice if the water vapor trails that form behind planes rocketing through the sky contained a little bit of prozac, or valium, something to ease the strain of life. Perhaps the real reason air travel is getting more expensive are better drugs being put in the chemtrails? Throw in some acid let’s get crazy.
People that think the world’s elite are all getting together for Satanic blood drinking gatherings must have never watched CSPAN. This group of boring people decided to set down the law books and drink blood? They barely even drink alcohol. If by some chance these lizard people did shed their Hillary Clinton skin in the middle of the night and fly through the sky as a blood thirsty reptile, that would be cool as hell.
Migrant Caravan Invasion From Mexico
The idea that a group of displaced refugees were actually somehow an elite invasion force is fascinating, and a huge compliment to Nicaragua. These malnutritioned refugees are like little Jason Bornes, here to steal people’s jobs. Such an obvious move to legally get into a country is not the greatest way to sneakily get into a country. The idea that these people are also elite warriors? Very cool.
Conspiracy theories are so fun because they make the world so much more dramatic, and who doesn’t love Drama? Boring politicians all of a sudden become lizard people who fly through the sky, masks are the biggest inside joke in the world, and if anyone is feeling sad they can just stand under a chem trail for 30 minutes. What an exciting time to be alive.